NEW COLUMN: Two Massive New Leaks Show Dirty Underbelly of U.S. Empire

2 comments

1. GETTING HIGH ON HIGH

   Uncle Ursa and my father and God the Father were sharing a joint of some really heavenly weed when Nostradamus came along with some even better weed. It was quite a party and we all learned a lot, except for God, who didn’t learn anything because God already knows everything, or at least thinks He does. Nostradamus, who has a spotted record when it comes to predicting the future (predicted Bernie Sanders would win the nomination) he usually gets it right but you can take comfort in knowing that some (or hopefully most) of the things Nostradamlutz told them might not come true. Below is a transcript of the entire story that I channeled down from Comedy Heaven, word for word, as was told to me in a dream by Nostradamus.

   NOSTRADAMLUTZ’S PREDICTIONS FOR 2020

   The Democrats will do nothing to stall Trump’s pick for the Supreme Court, and after a bit of grandstanding, will see that the confirmation process runs quickly and smoothly, and the US government will again make abortion a crime. Women will not be allowed in any public places unless they are accompanied by their husband or a male relative. Putting restrictions on sexual behaviors will become a top priority of the government. Morality police will go undercover in bars and nightclubs and look into bedroom windows to look for behaviors the theocracy doesn’t approve of. Homosexuality and unmarried sex will result in prison terms and fines. The fines will be paid off by working in the prison factory making chicken patties at nineteen cents an hour. Any prisoner who refuses to make chicken patties will be sent to solitary confinement for not less than one year. Trump will win the popular vote but Biden will win the Electoral College vote. When Trump realizes he has lost, he will send the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and National Guard into every American city where there are Black Lives Matter protests going on and foment a coup d’etat and he and the Ku Klux Klan will take control of the country. Generalissimo Trump will then direct the military under his command to occupy those cities to prevent any trouble peaceful protesters may make, such as not properly disposing of protest signs. Generalissimo Trump will then merge the legislative and executive branches of government so that he will be the only one voting on any bill that comes up before Congress, since he will be the only Member of Congress. This will have the added benefit of being able to confirm any judicial nominee he chooses without having to bribe anyone but himself. Corporate lobbyists will treat Congressman Trump to steak dinners, and lots of money and cocaine. Also, it will no longer be necessary to veto any legislation. Generalissimo Trump will then have any remaining Liberal judges hanged (“hanging judge”–get it?). The American people will be totally unaware of any of these changes to government, because the corporate media won’t say a word. Any media outlet that reveals the truth will be shut down. Fake elections will be held for candidates, but no government positions will be filled, since there won’t be any. The coronavirus shutdown will continue until the vaccine is ready 25 years from now. Anyone refusing to take the vaccine (which will be mixed with live genetically modified COVID-20 viruses) will be thrown in prison for 25 years.

   Nostradamlutz cannot predict what will happen after this, because he is nearsighted and can only see 25 years into the future. Nostradamlutz hopes none of these prophecies come true.

   DISCLAIMER. Nostradamlutz does not guarantee his prophecies, and he cannot be held legally responsible for any predictions that do or do not occur.

2. NOSTRADAMLUTZ’S IMPEACHMENT PROPHECIES
   \
   (fortunately Nostradamlutz mis-prophesized in Scene Two, so none of this actually happened)

   SCENE ONE. The House will vote to Impeach.
   SCENE TWO. The Senate will remove Trump from office.
   SCENE THREE. Pence will become the new President of the United States.
   SCENE FOUR. All the Trump haters will be so happy that Trump is gone that they won’t notice that Pence is president.
   SCENE FIVE. Trump will go on to make millions on speeches to Wall Street and Goldman Sachs.
   SCENE SIX. Trump’s enemies will try to put him in prison. President Pence will give him a pardon five minutes after he becomes POTUS.
   SCENE SEVEN. Preachers all over the Bible belt will urge their parishioners to vote for
   Pence in the 2020 election, and Pence will win by a landslide, resulting in large majorities in both houses of Congress.
   SCENE EIGHT. Before Pence finishes his second term as president, the Supreme Court with be packed with ultra-right wing justices after the last liberal justice dies of old age and abortion will become a capital crime. Sorcery and homosexuality will also become crimes punishable by death. Televised church services in the White House every Sunday morning, with Pence preaching, which all government employees will be required to watch. Unions will become a thing of the past. Minimum wage in 2028 will still be $7.25 per hour, and American workers will be sneaking across the border to Mexico in search of higher-paying jobs. The military budget will be donated to the Salvation Army. Women will not be allowed to appear in public unless they are accompanied by a husband or brother, and they will be banned from restaurants. All Muslims will be deported. Death penalty for marijuana possession. Anyone giving food or water to refugees will be stripped of their American citizenship and dumped on the street somewhere in Mexico without a passport or money or food or water after serving a 30 year sentence in solitary confinement in a maximum security prison. Socialist governments will continue to be overthrown, the US will continue to start wars and give money and sell weapons to dictators and tyrants (but of course that would happen with any president as it has for ?? years).
   SCENE NINE. After another two terms of Pence, Trump haters will nostalgically look back on the days when Trump was POTUS.