Did YOUR Preferred Corporate Racist War Criminal Sexual Predator Win The Election?! (Column)

Nov 15, 2020 By Lee Camp

So, it’s time to ask – Did the corporate racist war criminal multi-millionaire sexual predator of your choice win the election?

I sure hope so. I sure hope it worked out for you. For a minute there it looked like the bad corporate racist war criminal multi-millionaire sexual predator was going to win, and we were all very nervous. But then at the last second the GOOD corporate racist war criminal multi-millionaire sexual predator eked it out, and all was well in America. Even Fox News has admitted it (which is incredible considering Fox News is still debating whether the earth is flat and whether Asian people are a real thing or just a wive’s tale). So now every Biden voter is happier than a pig in shit. (Side note: Are pigs actually happy in shit? Or are they just kinda okay with it? Because “okay” is different than “happy.” You know, like when I was a kid people probably thought I was happy playing Tetris. But no one is happy playing Tetris. You just play it because you don’t have another Game Boy cartridge with you. You’d much rather be ripping people’s hearts out through their anuses with Mortal Kombat than putting the curvy brick in place next to the long brick. Oh man, the hours I spent waiting for the long brick. “Wherefore art thou, long brick?!” So really Tetris was just better than the alternative of being in… reality and actually talking to other human beings. Of course I’m talking about 30 years ago when the term “Proud Boy” just meant somebody who got a high score on their Game Boy.)

Point being, saying “I hope the corporate racist war criminal multi-millionaire sexual predator of your choice won the election” might annoy some of you, but each of those qualifications are not really in dispute. You may argue how much they bother you but very few people argue that any of those are not true at all. Let’s go through the list of adjectives, shall we?

CORPORATE:

Are both Donald Trump and Joe Biden supportive of the corporate world? Does a duck take watery dumps? Trump gave corporations massive tax cuts and both the Democrats & GOP gave Wall Street TRILLIONS of dollars during the pandemic. Biden’s largest donors during his roughly 900 year political career have been credit card companies and banks. The dude is from Delaware – a tiny swamp of a joyless colony used by rich people around the world as a tax haven. …So are Trump and Biden corporate? Yes.

RACIST:

Are both Trump and Biden racist? We hear every day how racist Trump is. That’s clearly not up for debate. Biden is a little less outward about his racism. He just manifests it through policies rather than by calling non-white nations “shit-hole countries.” Policies like his ’94 crime bill and his close friendship with segregationists. I guess it proves we DO live in the Land of Opportunity considering the guy who has arguably caused the imprisonment of more black & brown Americans than anyone else in the history of the country could still become president. So, on “racist,” I’m going to give them both a rating of – OF COURSE.

MULTI-MILLIONAIRE:

This one’s not really a question either. Donald Trump may be deeply in debt but he still counts as a billionaire. His real estate alone is worth billions. And Biden certainly has millions of dollars from book sales and whatever nick-knacks he sells on the side of I-95 as people pass through Delaware. I think he made at least a quarter-million on eBay just by selling Clarence Thomas’s pube from the top of the Coke can that Anita Hill held up in front of Congress. So, we can all agree on the multi-millionaire designation.

WAR CRIMINAL: 

Is anyone really going to argue with me on this one? The Obama-Biden pentagon dropped more bombs than any administration since possibly Vietnam. Donald Trump would’ve beat that record if he had gotten a second term, having dropped roughly 40,000 bombs in his first year in office. Biden supported the Iraq War. Supported the obliteration of Afghanistan. Supported Obama’s attack on Libya that has turned one of the most successful African countries into a war lord’s playground with open-air slave markets. …Does it matter that it’s “open air”? That’s what everyone says – “Open air slave markets,” but I don’t find that any worse than basement slave markets or slave markets done in the bathroom at the food court of a mall in suburban St. Louis. But I guess “open air” means they’re proud of it. So I guess being proud of your slave markets is kinda shitty. I guess that makes them Proud Boys. 

Point being – both Biden and Trump have happily overseen the killing of hundreds of thousands of innocent people – including by way of economic war on a multitude of countries. So calling them “war criminals” is honestly the polite version. It’s so much more civilized than calling them “Blood-stained sociopathic murderers,” don’t you think? 

So we’ve agreed on all the adjectives so far, and now we come to the last.

SEXUAL PREDATOR:

Donald Trump’s photo is next to the term “sexual predator” in the dictionary. I mean the moron bragged about grabbing women’s pussies without consent. And that’s not even including the multiple women who accused him of rape. So yet again – “sexual predator” is perhaps a bit too polite. 

Then there’s Biden. Biden has been accused of some form of rape by at least one woman. On top of that, there’s several women who accuse him of grabbing them or smelling their hair. So even if you don’t believe the rape allegation, you still have overwhelming evidence of some level of sexual predation.

So now we’ve been through every adjective, every descriptive word in my opening question and not one is false. Therefore, I’ll ask again – Did the corporate racist war criminal multi-millionaire sexual predator of your choice win the election?? …I hope so. I hope you have spent the past couple weeks giving out so many high-fives you have third degree burns on your palms.

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